Tuesday, February 13, 2007

monogamy

I'm pissed off these days.
It doesn't happen often and I feel the need to write about it to let go some of it.

I'm pissed off with all the mental conditionings that the society impose us.

When I was in Italy I was living in a more conforming way than now. I had a regular job, I even wore a tie. But every morning, in front of the mirror, I always asked myself:"why, why do I have to wear a tie to be more credible in my job?"
Till one day, my discomfort got to the point that I took my tie off for the last time. I quit my job and went to Maui to follow my dreams.

Six years later, I'm a lot less conforming and way happier.
But the society's influence is still annoyingly invading my life. If I could live of only surf, I would have nothing to complain. The waves behave according to the one and only law I recognize as such: the law of the nature.
But I'm a social being. I need people, I love people (well, not ALL people...). And I am pissed off when the society conforms the people I love's mind and sometimes it makes it difficult, if not impossible, to relate to them.

I want to do everything I feel like doing.
Just like a dog running after a stick that somebody would throw, I want to follow my instincts.

Now, let's think for a moment about this marriage/girlfriend-boyfriend thing.
No doubt that the instinct of having kids and protecting them is innate in us. If it wasn't, we would have not survived so many million years.
But... do you really think that a few million years ago there were families just like now? Do you really think that a few million years ago most humans ended up having the same lover for the rest of their lives?

Here, I'll give you an example.
The christian religion allows a man to get married and keep the chosen partner for the rest of his life, avoiding sex with others.
The muslims religion allows a man to get married to a bunch of women (the famous harem), instead.
BTW, the first thought this brings to my mind is: and why muslim women can't marry many men, instead? Not fair, but... whatever, let me get to the point.
A christian wife is happy if her husband only sleeps with her.
A muslim wife is happy if her husband sleeps with her and with the other wives.
Now, how is that possible? Are maybe chistian women genetically different from muslims women?
It's all the shit that is put in our head since we were kids that makes our reality. We are all born the same. Then somebody tells us what to do. Tells us if we are chistians or muslims and how many wives we can have... and fucks up our lives.

ALL RELIGIONS SHOULD BE WIPED OUT, Ziggy Marley says...

Look what I found on the internet.
According to the Bible, all humans on earth today are descended from Noah and his wife, his three sons and their wives, and before that from Adam and Eve (Genesis 1-11).

What?! I can't believe that in 2007 there's still people who believe this. And I even have friends (well, maybe not anymore when they read this...) that believe it. And some other that don't believe it, but are so conditioned by the monogamy rule that they stick to it! And miss out on one of the best things on earth: sex with different partners.

I'm 44. I'm done with monogamous relationships. They go too much against my instincts.
I'm too honest to do like half of the rest of the world does: just pretend to be monogamous and cheat.
And I don't want to do what the other half does: go against their instinct and stick to monogamy.
But, as I was saying at the beginning, sometimes this makes difficult, if not impossible, to relate to the people that I love and that love me.

Fuck monogamy, fuck society, fuck religion, fuck TV, fuck all the shit put in our brain when we were kids. It's so hard to get rid of it...

I'm a free man. But tonight I'm also alone and really, really pissed off.

61 comments:

francky said...

Salut Giampaolo,

Well, all this is not easy to deal with...
I think people just need to be themselves and trust in life... Things become a lot easier then...

when you say " people just pretend to be monogamous and cheat"... Well, i believe people are scared to be alone and prefer to stay home, and cheat, eventually...

How many couples are sad and don't look happy ?. A lot, but as soon as you have some things in common, people are scared to live and prefer to have a second life, in parallel...

So, for me, to be monogamous is not a problem, you just need to leave your partner if you are not happy any more, or if you are attracted to another person...

I believe in love, so i don't believe in having a "wife" to cook dinner and another girl to have sex !. i know it's possible to find the same girl and be happy everyday with her !!!.

To finish, i would say that i don't think it's possible to stay with the same person your all life... So instead of cheating, just be honest and look for the best girl for u !.
nothing is forever...

Later dude, Francky

cammar said...

Francky,

you must be the first who found this new blog. I haven't told anybody yet...
Anyway, thanks a lot for your comment.

When I look back in my life, I can't remember any girlfriend I was so much in love with not to be attracted by other women.
Am I that weird?!
I can be hanging out with the best girl in the world and be as happy as I can, but a nice ass still gets my hormones going... thank god!

It's a genetic reaction. It's in the DNA (at least in mine). It doesn't get erased by being in love with someone.
And if my body reacts like that, I ask myself why not to follow my instinct.
That's why I end up writing posts like this one...

I don't need a wife just to cook dinner... (also because I'm pretty good at that already).

I just want to follow my instincts.
I know it's possible to break the society rules.
I'm weak and beat up, but I'm not giving up.

Yet.

jeff E of the Great White North said...

" When I look back in my life, I can't remember any girlfriend I was so much in love with not to be attracted by other women.
Am I that weird?!
I can be hanging out with the best girl in the world and be as happy as I can, but a nice ass still gets my hormones going... thank god!"
werd G
being married and with the same partner for 18 years and only 42 years old, heh its hard dude, i have never strayed, but i know where you are coming from with your idea on how our heads are filled with "ideas"
keep surfin!!
shredulato

meesh said...

hummm where to start?

everyone is tempted, what keeps us from deciding whether to act on those temptations depends on who we are and what's important to the indivdual. No right, wrong, good or bad.

from my aspect, i don't think about forever, I think about the present. Would it make me any happier to be with someone else? right now, for me no. I am lucky i guess to have ulli who is my soul mate, can't imagine being without him.(gross I'M not the gushy type as you know)


i also know i could not live with a guy who was always looking at other women. think about how you would feel. I doubt you mean to be hurtful but it would make me feel shitty. This makes us insecure about ourselves, human nature.

basically it must come down what makes you happy cause life is short.if brief relationships with many women works for you (if you can get them!) rather than one that you can grow with and love, then go for it. But I doubt there is any woman that will let you have both - not because of religon or upbringing, but for her own self being. Because it works for you, doesn't mean it works for others.

No doubt the excitement of a new relationship is hard to beat, but I like the rest of it too.

You mention the many wives, they all get jelous of each other. It's really not an ideal situation. (Some of) The mormons are not monogomas and look how f**ked up most of them are!

Break the society rules.... if that is what will make you truly happy.

mxx

Ulli said...

Now that's what I'm talking about. Let's get drunk and get some whores.

cammar said...

Jeff, thanks for the comment.

Meesh, my hole point is that IMO it's NOT human nature to feel shitty and insecure if our usual partner is phisically attracted by somebody else.
It's because we grew up in a society that tells us to feel like that.

Google "human sexual behavior" or "monogamy" and you'll find tons of documents on the topic.
Here, let me quote one:"There is no question about monogamy's being natural. It isn't."
http://www.trinity.edu/rnadeau/FYS/Barash%20on%20monogamy.htm

There's all kind of sexual behaviors in thousands of species of animals. Some of them are monogamous for the life, some for a season, some only have a brief encounter with the lover and they never see him/her again.
But, sure enough, all are natural.
What is natural for the humans?
Why are we the only species with unnatural behaviors? Because we can think. And that is not always a good thing.

The only 100% natural behavior we have is the first scream after we come out of our mother's belly.
Maybe even during the first couple of years of life, we still are pure enough to look at things as pure souls.
I was watching a 6 months old little girl lately and it's amazing how you can tell she was acting on a pure instictual basis.
The only thing she experienced so far was the love of her parents. And she was just loving everybody else back.
I'd like to go back to that stage...

Maybe you guys will soon see me in a hippy community in Paia, with dreadlocks and long beard (combing and shaving are not exactly natural behaviors) on the side of the road with a sign that says:"free love".

Ulli, when you see me doing that, please get drunk and shoot me!

Anonymous said...

you may not remember me, gp, but i don't think you liked me when you did. but i admire you and we actually think very much alike.

for instance, your addiction to "strange." i can never get enough.

love ya m'man!

Steph...en route to Maui! said...

I agree that monogamy is unnatural, especially in the light of Darwinism...BUT, with the evolution of countless horrible, sexually transmitted diseases, and the rate of infection nowadays, we, as a species, may have to adapt toward more monogomous behavior, just in order to perpetuate the existence of our species. This is natural selection, happening right now...

cammar said...

Anonymous, sentences like "but i don't think you liked me when you did" didn't help me much understanding your comment...
And also the addiction to "strange" in unclear.

Steph, that's a completely different thing. You scared of diseases? You use a condom.
Thanks for your comment and see you soon!

Anonymous said...

I realize that humans evolving into monogamous beings is a far cry from one man's desire to not be tied to one bed. I guess I always look at things on a much larger scale...

cammar said...

That's exactly it, anonymous. But read my post better and you'll see it from an even larger scale.
It's not evolution. It's getting rid of the devolution...

Anonymous said...

"I'm a free man. But tonight I'm also alone and really, really pissed off."

So do tell, how does all of what you have gone on about really serve your best interest, when in the end you are alone and unhappy. Sometimes gp you have to give to get what you want in this world.

cammar said...

Sure, MOST of the times you have to give to get what you want.
In this case, though, rather than give I would have to give up. My freedom.

Having to give up on something is already a thing I don't particularly like.
But it's when I try to understand why I have to do that, and I come up with the stuff that I wrote in the post... that's when I get really pissed off.

It's something so big that I can't beat. I can try to fight it (this post hopefully is a little contribution to a free-er world... ), but I can't beat the bullshit in which we are brought up since a couple of thousands of years and makes almost everybody believe that things are "normal" only because they are there.

My move to Maui was such a great eye opener from this point of view: always question what seems normal...
For example, now I can say FOR SURE that the life I was living in Italy was not normal/natural for me. It wasn't easy to figure that out. I actually had no clue about the life I was going to have when I left. I didn't even know I was going to have a different life! The original plan was just a sabatical year.
Yet, my life was normal to the eyes of everybody back then. Even to my eyes (apart for the tie...).
Now, I can't believe it was me living that life.

Maui just helped me to think outside the box. And it felt so good that I didn't stop.
Now, 6 years later, I think a lot outside the box.
I'm a way more enlightened and spiritual man (still waaaay far away from being completely detached from everything and live like a pure loving soul...).

Giving up my freedom would mean to regress on my own evolutionary path. And it would mean to voluntarly choose to be somebody who is not truly me.
Sorry, it would't work. I would be unhappy anyway.

Integrity may seem a funny word for a guy that, in the end, just wants to have the mental freedom to sleep around... but I got to keep the integrity towards the person I've become in 44 years of life.

Also because, I bloody love that person!

PS. Thanks everybody for your comments.

cammar said...

Also, I re-read Steph's comment and realized that it's (prolly) much more philosophical that I first thought.

If you mean that the awareness of the new diseases will give us (some of us...) a good reason to voluntarly choose to be monogamous... I agree with that.

But I don't think it will change the mechanism of the sexual attraction. That will still be there.

Sorry, my first reply was maybe a little superficial.

NOW, I can finally say: you scared of diseases? You use a condom.

Sharon said...

Your values are clear-they only get ‘difficult’ when you hang with peeps whose values are different.

Maybe you like the pattern which is, you hang with the one and want the many, so go to Brazil and hang with the many and you’ll end up wanting the one! Which will send you back again to the many… If this works don’t change a thing, if not reevaluate and transform.

don juan casanova said...

i'm with ya gp. gotta question though. why do women, when you start dating them, agree to casual and allow you to date other women, then, outta the blue, change their minds, dig their claws into ya and suddenly want committment?

my conclusion: the "fuckbuddy" is an urban myth! i'm still trying to find one!

kerry said...

This hits a nerve with me, I'm in agreement on lots of it (and also a total stranger who just tripped over your blog)

In my opinion a large part of the need for monogamy comes from the need for other things...validation, support, father to support the babies, mother to raise them, etc. If you're supplying yourself with everything you need, you don't need to bootstrap another person to help you out with it. Then you can easily and reasonably go out and pick and choose among the different people you encounter, taking whatever you need from them.

Taking out the sex part and thinking of your friends, you rarely see anyone with only a single friend, because people are not simple- they are multifaceted and each facet needs a special complement to it. (I think) It's too much to ask of a single person to satisfy every need or want. Why this becomes an invalid point when sex is introduced is a mystery. Sex is like bowling - a fun thing you do with another person when you feel like it and can stand their company long enough.

And as for "because the bible says so"...well, an imaginary friend is an imaginary friend right? If you've never seen God, never met him, never heard his voice...how can you take direction from him? It's terribly frustrating to argue with Bible thumpers, because they're working off something someone made up, and as such they can always either make something new up as a counterpoint, or just say you lack faith and summarily write your point of view off. grrr...

Jerry said...

To Kerry and others like you:

What's with the recent phenomenon of people on the internet giving the finger?

You lose all credibility in my opinion. How juvenile.

Blyeeeech....

kerry said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
rudolfo said...

typical bitchy ugly american woman. i bet mommy is real proud of you.

Anonymous said...

What a piece o' work. Her salutation... incoherent, hypocritical rant...

No wonder....

cammar said...

Uh, I've not been checking this "side" blog for a few days and there's a lot of comments here!

Sharon, you say:"Your values are clear-they only get ‘difficult’ when you hang with peeps whose values are different."
That's exactly why I was so pissed off when I wrote the post.
As for the pattern you describe, I don't think I like it. I don't think I like any pattern. I just want to follow my instincts. (did I write this already?)

Casanova, I hear you. You can't generalize to all women, but I hear you. But I don't have a clear answer.
There's some genetic differences between male and female in all species.
For example, the female lion wants to get pregnant and than all she cares is to protect her babies until they are independent and then she's ready to get pregnant again.
The male lion wants to get pregnant as many female as possible.
The difference, though, is that once they had sex, neither one (male and female lion) gives a shit about what the other does afterward.
Female humans do, in most of the cases. Is that natural or is it society induced? You know what I think...

Kerry, I agree with everything you say. I especially liked the analogy with the friends. Welcome on my blog(s), BTW.

Jerry, Rudolfo and anonymous. I don't like the gesture either, but it's higly overcome by the comment she wrote. You are actually judging a person based on a photo, instead of bringing constructive thoughts like she did.
Turn on the brain and try again.

Sergio said...

Aloha Giampaolo,

I know you live a dream life, but could you be suffering from the Maui curse? Too much of a good thing?

I had the same affliction. Living large....no worries but to catch the next juicy wave......too much hedonistic living....and then, outta the blue, it hits you....

WTF am I doing???

Cure it fast, m'braddah!

Anonymous said...

Interesting how readers disregard the context for your comment - normative conditioning and the possibilities for freedom - and focus instead on the minutiae - relationships, diseases, religion - the illusory (and derisory) stuff of the sitcoms and talk shows which they still consume so ravenously, as their daily "bread and games," more than two thousand years after your own compatriots, GP, devised "panem et circenses" as the original "opiates for the masses." The trees for the forest.

You're on the right track, GP. To quote (with attribution, this time) from Marx - it's safe to do so, now that communism has been cancelled, along with windsurfing, no? - "The abolition of religion as the illusory happiness of the people is the demand for their real happiness. To call on them to give up their illusions about their condition is to call on them to give up a condition that requires illusions. The criticism of religion is, therefore, in embryo, the criticism of that vale of tears of which religion is the halo."

Now let's take "religion" in a broader sense, the sense of "beliefs shared intimately on faith and without question between people in a society." (I made that up - but it shouldn't take an intelligent person too much effort to take "religion" in that same sense, just for the sake of argument, yes? So humor me, and let's do so.) And let's mull your post, and the Marxist quote, and the responses of your readers over, side by side, in the same light, You and Marx are both onto something very deep. What would it take for your readers to give up the condition that requires their illusions?

Want some more highly relevant food for thought? Go to amazon.com (or borders in Kahului) and pick yourself up something by Jean-Michel Foucault. Or Chogyam Trungpa.

Good day.

cammar said...

Sergio,

I don't know about the Maui curse... I don't think it hit me yet, and if it will, it will be welcome.
My rant about monogamy is not related to Maui.

chris said...

Ciao GP,

“I'm pissed off with all the mental conditionings that the society impose us.”
That’s maybe exactly what the looser’s makers of the society you live in want you to be: little pissed and unsure about life, the perfect victim for conditioning!
You shouldn’t give these asses this triump! Be happy and proud that your life is different, your instincts not being manipulated that much; no tie, no wife and kids, no whores… AND think about all the girls of your hunting past! Or of your quoli 2006 and that you (u)naturally don’t have to live in artic areas. The male lions does know days he doesn’t score, too, that’s natural. But he can not have a beer and think about epic surf sessions!
I believe it’s good that humans developed their own specific thinking, hey, they came up with high-tec surf equipement !!!
Depending on how manipulated one’s instincts due to societies influences are, people “choose”to life their life, hoping it’s satisfying.
The question concerning the monogamy topic is, if there’s a instinct to fall in love in all human beings. The animals that stick to one partner for a live time seem to have somethink like that, or it is more useful and economic, they’re maybe a better team in natural living.
You don’t seem to have that instinct to feel happy with a woman for long time , but Meesh does, well, she’s a woman, so different (actually manipulated)instincts, too.
If you think about natural polygamy think about Africa and the condition the kids out of these realationships live in !!!
As products of their societies people individually “dicide” what could make them happy, and maybe even a lot of couples are happy. These relation are not based only on sex, there exist other satisfying things in their relationship. Makes some people happy, me, for example!
Maybe in the future people will be less affected by established values (HAHA, I don’t think so!!! Care ‘bout your life, their’s mostly boring and idiot!), and people can dicide following their instinct. In the “civilized” world people could raise some kids of different partners.
Most important should be keeping mental conditioning away from kids, so they can develop unmanipulated instincts to dicide based on their genetic if they prefer
the fuck-around life maybe even in a family style or sticking to one partner.
Really up-to date to the problems in the world that wouldn’t be neither, as mother earth is overpopulated, they should care about the natural victims of polygamy, kids living in hunger…!
Natural human life in the past has been bloody, just like in animal life, where you can be eaten by a bear every day. Expect you’re big lion daddy GP, of course!
Human being managed to developed an easier and more joyful life, of course not for all and not learning from made mistakes.
It’s no more natural, but that made life more pleasant, as more confortable. But going back to more natural life in the “civilisations” will save our surf spots in the future. As the disadvantages of natural life (plague and shit!) are mostly exstinkted people should go back to more natural life, especially concerning their food, as that effect theit behaviour as well.
Concerning American politic I recommend you the video ”bleeding” on http://www.igniteband.com/2006/08/. Love that music for a after my sessions!
Hope your rips better and you can rip again!
Got to work in my balcony and hydro garden, eheheh!

Saludos.

cammar said...

Anonymous after Sergio, thanks for the contribution. I bought Fouycalt's introduction to human sexuality... I'll read it after the Zen guide to the motorcycle maintenance...

Chris, thanks for you comment too. I agree with most of it. Here's a couple of additional thoughts.
I know well that my awareness of what is natural and what is society induced is higher than the average TV-dependant western citizen... and I'm proud of that, no worries.

I'm also aware the civilization brought some advantages compared to a 100% natural/wild life that humans prolly had a million years ago. Sure, surfboards are one bright example!

Children in Africa would starve even if their parents would be monogamous. Africa is a poor country because the rest of the world (us!) doesn't give a shit. Sorry, can't blame poligamy. Just like I'm not sure it's poligamy's fault if Michelle's mormons friends are fucked up (as she says...).
Also, even if poligamy is for me a more natural way for humans, that doesn't mean that humans can't use the birth control methods they developed... and they should!
Thanks for the music link... a bit too hard for me, but I'm sure you can mellow it out with some hydro garden produce...

steveC said...

Hey GP, thinking about the male lions, only the most ferocious get their way with the harlem. The other guys only get to watch from the sidelines. At least as humans, we don't have to try as hard to get some.

Yet, the day to day responsibilities in a relationship can add up to a lot more than anything we bargained for, and I'm not even thinking about the kids.

I guess there's a price for everything, including happiness.

chris said...

Yo GP,

Nice to hear that you know you are the (italian wuda)MAN and do prefer to life nowadays than 5000 years ago!

Wasn't too precise about the poligamy in Africa. The problem is not only the hunger, but nobody who cares about the children out of these relationships. There's no father and 20 halfsisters and -brothers, if the kids know their mother. The question would be if
this is a result out of the fact that european people didn't give a fuck about the population when they came there to rob resources, throwing the continent into chaos or if it has been the same some thousands of years ago. Maybe the kids have been integarted into their tribes better, I am actually bloody uninformed about that topic.
Sure is that the popes contribted theirs by not tolerating condoms, so generations dying out by the Aids virus, too.

Informed myself about the mormons, these people are strictly monogamous and bible lovers (how idiot!), expect some smaller groups living in the usa. They are poligamous and must be those Meesh is talking about. Them pot-smoking, free-loving hippies, or what ?!

So long.

cammar said...

stevec, that's what bothers me... having to pay that price... having to come to compromise with the system...

Chris, of course life nowadays is better than 5000 year ago... mine at least!
I'm not too sure about the life of an average western world man who has to work his ass off to earn the money to buy himself all the stupid shit that the system wants him to buy... but I don't care too much about that.
I'm more concerned about the kids in Africa. That's why, whenever I can, I do a little online donation to http://unicef.org/

PS. Actually, now that I think about it, nobody can tell that life now is better than 5000 ago. How do we know? Yes, prolly you had to fight for food, sex, shelter, but it was all natural... maybe everybody was happier back than!
The Iraqi people for sure... nobody was dropping bombs on them!

nikinpos said...

Ah ha! So then Cammar, just how important is YOUR blog for your mental sanity eh? Because you seem to be doing a good impression of lying on the couch while others council you.
And in reply to your question: I did perfectly well for 32 years without a blog, my mental sanity is not affected by it in any way. But it has made me feel I have found a new type of friendship with other blogging people. I only write what I want, I do not show me feelings very often on the blog, otherwise by now nobody would be reading because it would be too sad.
If you don't like what I write don't read it, simple as that.

cammar said...

Niki,

first... why did you reply here?!? Couldn't stand replying to a slightly more profound comment on your blog? Weird...

Sounds like you took my question as a personal offense. I don't know if it's because of my bad use of the English... if so, I apologize. I didn't mean to.
I was just trying to get a little deeper than the average comments you get on your blog, trying to pursue that kind of friendship you mention. Never mind.

nikinpos said...

I replied here because I didn't know if you would go back to check if I had replied there...Lets get personal, I've emailed you an indepth reply!

emilio said...

why no more posting? we need more angst here.

more angry-older-single-dudes-who-score-hot-young-pussy rantings....

:)

cammar said...

Emilio,

this blog wanted was intended to be a single post one. And it was intended to provoke some open discussion and comments.
I don't really have anything more to say than what I already wrote...
But you guys should keep posting comments if you have something to say...

eileen said...

Hi,

I just quickly read this “free as a dog” site and wanted to (quickly) put in a couple cents worth… it may be all over the place ‘cause I’m in a hurry.

First I think it’s great that you are honest about your conflicting feelings… I think a lot of people have pondered the questions you pose and aren’t able to express them.

I think humans are driven mostly by the instict for survival…and the conflict you discuss dates back to early human evolution wherein the male is driven to impregnate many times with multiple females in order to ensure survival of the species. And females were instinctually driven to bond with their young and nurture it until it could survive on it’s own… which required them to stay put in the cave … and also to bond with the father of their young because she needed the male to fetch the food… make the shelter, help fend off predators, … also, the females’ instict was to be impregnated infrequently so they were able to be available for the young to do all the necessary caretaking…

Later it was advantageous to live in tribes so many could help with the food gathering, shelter making, safety/fighting off predators… and the “instict” to get along with others became a survival need and therefore the people that had the part of their brain more developed that helped them to “get along” well were the survivors…

Human genes evolved through survival of the fittest and were able to fend off bacterial infections better, populations grew…tribes got bigger and grew into communities which grew into regions which eventually led to man-made borders (countries)…and laws and law enforcement…and wars… and scientific research that was deemed necessary and therefore it was acceptable torture animals in the process…all for the sake of :

Survival--- procreation, food, shelter, safety, societies…

Maybe bonding and “love” and even “being nice” is mostly a survival instict to keep the human species alive…?

Sounds cynical I know but it’s not really.

You ask about polygamous societies like Mormons and Muslims. I think it may be that the instinct to belong to a community is so strong that if your community tells you from birth that polygamy is normal then a lot of people accept that… who knows- maybe a lot of those women are truly uncomfortable about it or at least have conflicting feelings about it because before the urge to belong to communities arose the instinct to bond to one male was present (and therefore still in their genes) and maybe they are too afraid to face the conflict because that society is all they know- it’s their whole life.

Hopefully we can use our “intelligent” brains to sort out some of the craziness esp. the war issue and unnecessary animal torture.

As far as our personal lives- I guess being honest to oneself is the first necessary step in coming to some resolution of our personal conflicts… and then accepting the facts of life is another helpful step. And being honest with the people in our lives.

I’ve decided that in my gut I am 100 percent monogamous and no societal pressure to change that feeling has ever appealed to me… I can say that because being a woman in this time of history there has been a lot of pressure to “be open minded”, “not let society rule you”, “not make it complicated”… and I am open minded and a curious person and also a person that has a strong instinct to try to understand other points of view and also to harmonize… but I have never been able to take that curiosity very far because my gut tells me so strongly that it is not for me.

It must be kinda hard for some men and perhaps women living in a monogamous society when they do have a strong urge for polygamy. I actually feel a little sympathy for people that have to deal with that conflict. It is perhaps a little like being gay in a homophobic society.

I guess it would be easier if you had a partner that felt the same way (liked polygamy)… but I know that would be hard to find.

Or maybe you could just decide that the facts are the facts and you will just not act on your drives … so that you can be with a monogamous partner …

Or if it really important to you- find a polygamous society and explore your feelings… everyone is a complexity of feelings and needs and sometimes exploring a drive allows you to fulfill what you needed to fulfill and then you’re ready to move on.. On the other hand one may find that they love the new person they have become… I guess we are ever evolving due to our experiences and the people in our lives.

Anyway, thanks for the interesting topic and your openness - I’m sure you’ve touched a lot of nerves….

Eileen

eileen said...

Hi,

I just quickly read this “free as a dog” site and wanted to (quickly) put in a couple cents worth… it may be all over the place ‘cause I’m in a hurry.

First I think it’s great that you are honest about your conflicting feelings… I think a lot of people have pondered the questions you pose and aren’t able to express them.

I think humans are driven mostly by the instict for survival…and the conflict you discuss dates back to early human evolution wherein the male is driven to impregnate many times with multiple females in order to ensure survival of the species. And females were instinctually driven to bond with their young and nurture it until it could survive on it’s own… which required them to stay put in the cave … and also to bond with the father of their young because she needed the male to fetch the food… make the shelter, help fend off predators, … also, the females’ instict was to be impregnated infrequently so they were able to be available for the young to do all the necessary caretaking…

Later it was advantageous to live in tribes so many could help with the food gathering, shelter making, safety/fighting off predators… and the “instict” to get along with others became a survival need and therefore the people that had the part of their brain more developed that helped them to “get along” well were the survivors…

Human genes evolved through survival of the fittest and were able to fend off bacterial infections better, populations grew…tribes got bigger and grew into communities which grew into regions which eventually led to man-made borders (countries)…and laws and law enforcement…and wars… and scientific research that was deemed necessary and therefore it was acceptable torture animals in the process…all for the sake of :

Survival--- procreation, food, shelter, safety, societies…

Maybe bonding and “love” and even “being nice” is mostly a survival instict to keep the human species alive…?

Sounds cynical I know but it’s not really.

You ask about polygamous societies like Mormons and Muslims. I think it may be that the instinct to belong to a community is so strong that if your community tells you from birth that polygamy is normal then a lot of people accept that… who knows- maybe a lot of those women are truly uncomfortable about it or at least have conflicting feelings about it because before the urge to belong to communities arose the instinct to bond to one male was present (and therefore still in their genes) and maybe they are too afraid to face the conflict because that society is all they know- it’s their whole life.

Hopefully we can use our “intelligent” brains to sort out some of the craziness esp. the war issue and unnecessary animal torture.

As far as our personal lives- I guess being honest to oneself is the first necessary step in coming to some resolution of our personal conflicts… and then accepting the facts of life is another helpful step. And being honest with the people in our lives.

I’ve decided that in my gut I am 100 percent monogamous and no societal pressure to change that feeling has ever appealed to me… I can say that because being a woman in this time of history there has been a lot of pressure to “be open minded”, “not let society rule you”, “not make it complicated”… and I am open minded and a curious person and also a person that has a strong instinct to try to understand other points of view and also to harmonize… but I have never been able to take that curiosity very far because my gut tells me so strongly that it is not for me.

It must be kinda hard for some men and perhaps women living in a monogamous society when they do have a strong urge for polygamy. I actually feel a little sympathy for people that have to deal with that conflict. It is perhaps a little like being gay in a homophobic society.

I guess it would be easier if you had a partner that felt the same way (liked polygamy)… but I know that would be hard to find.

Or maybe you could just decide that the facts are the facts and you will just not act on your drives … so that you can be with a monogamous partner …

Or if it really important to you- find a polygamous society and explore your feelings… everyone is a complexity of feelings and needs and sometimes exploring a drive allows you to fulfill what you needed to fulfill and then you’re ready to move on.. On the other hand one may find that they love the new person they have become… I guess we are ever evolving due to our experiences and the people in our lives.

Anyway, thanks for the interesting topic and your openness - I’m sure you’ve touched a lot of nerves….

Eileen

eileen said...

Hi again,
sorry- letter printed twice- don't know why..
I just re-read this whole blog including my letter-- I have to clarify about the paragragh on myself being monogomous... It reads unclearly I think... I meant to say that I totally believe in questioning and being open to going against societal norms and following one's own heart... and that I have explored the question of polygamy for myself and realized very quickly that polygamy was not at all for me-- I knew it for a certainty in my gut...I think people should listen to their own gut ... and love themselves just as they are - everyone is perfect just as they are. But yeah- it's complicated and painful if the person/people you love and love you feel differently about monogamy.
Eileen

some12squeeze said...

What a shame with all you've got going for you, yet your hormones seem to be causing a distorted view of your worth. I'm pretty sure your comments are totally based on the fact that you're not getting any lately?
Monogomy is not about sex, its about commitment....hmmm(Sorry, thats that other scarey 'M' word.)
You're totally showing your age here bud. 20yr olds couldn't be bothered writing about sex & only a sad sack 30yr old with no life, would have the time to blogg about it. I guess your excuse is no surf? I'm pretty sure there are women in your vacinity so I'm thinking your reputation for sampling but never buying has been broadcast amongst the local fillies.
Personally, I too, am allergic to commitment but I'm not interested in sharing. I've yet to meet a man who can totally satisfy a woman, so theres buckley's chance of me settling for bloke who's spreading himself around the block. (Trash?)Monogomy is what distinguishes you as a refined Gucci product rather than a Kmart fad bargain. The difference- Gucci never loses its value or appeal.
There is a play in which Shakespear wrote of the only true treasure available to women;-
'Priceless is the man who saves himself for only the woman worthy of him.'
Now I'm certainly not saying I'd seek a virgin, as we all know its no fun travelling with a learner driver. But it is a fact that brief encounters are totally self indulgent, teaching you nothing.

eg; You are a 'skilled' IT specialist. Do you really think the office wench can perform equally as well, just because she's been around a lot of computers?
Monogomy simply means -'one at a time' not -'one for ever'.
Nothing is forever.

Anonymous said...

Wow, my head hurts from reading all those comments. I hope you have fun doing what you do. I have a feeling one day, whether you like it or not, someone will come along that your heart not your head will want to spend the rest of your life with.

nikinpos said...

So? How is it going a month later?

Anonymous said...

God save us from religion!
You should read 'the god delusion' it can be summed up as follows

Cant we look at a garden and see it is lovely without needing to believe there are fairies at the bottom of it?

As to the other stuff, boys like girls, it's how we are wired up. You can be in love with someone and still attracted to another. It's not 'looking for it' it just is. Acting on the attraction or not is not so easy. But the natural thing is attraction. It's how we reproduced the next generation in the old days.

gary boates said...

Salut Giampaolo,
Looking for my summertime windsurfing hits and I get this! A few more weeks before I return to Maui so I have the time to wade in. BTW, thanks for this blog and all the (very academic) comments. A common theme seems to be that hierarchies are important when explaining human behaviors. With that theme in mind then perhaps at the very top can be the most fundamental of human beliefs; That either we as individuals are 'eternal' beings, or that we are not. The 'not' would mean that at death we disappear - like a wave does, folding back into the sea of life, remembered by only those 'surfers' (and wavesailors, body boarders and SUPers) that found us, dropped in, did their turns, and left us to turn white and die. Maybe if one holds this belief, the most surfers possible is the best scenario. The best waves are often those that are fought over...
BUT if we are convinced that we are each unique eternal beings, then perhaps this begs the question; Do we carry with us complete memories of our life on earth once we die our physical death? Memories that become the eternal 'us' and that last forever. Never to be forgotten, impossible to put aside. Could those memories become our own personal hell? (I hate religious metaphors)

I remember a particular American professional basketball player who purportedly claimed to have had sexual relations with over 20,000 female sex partners... still not enough... but no regrets that i have heard of yet either!

Visir said...

Surfando in questo mare digitale ho incrociato la tua tavola da blog.
Non ti conosco, non so nulla di te, leggo poco e male l'inglese, ma mi piace la tua storia.
Tutti vorrebbero lasicare un lavoro aberrante per seguire le onde dell'oceano, tu l'hai fatto quindi: si può fare.

Ciao

Anonymous said...

What about working through hard times together, building a life and family with someone you love, having responsibility toward them and one day contentment.

Your philosophies sound exciting, but not for everyone.

They sound selfish. I hope you don't end up alone and dissatisfied one day.

Anonymous said...

I don't know Cammar, but i will predicit he will not end up alone, their will always be a woman around who will be attracted to him, even when his looks fade, after all most Italian men have a PHD in charming women...!

The only thing i would say to you cammar, in your chosen relationship lifestyle - do you every feel any guilt that you are hurting/upseting your girlfriends when you tire of them...?

I have been in a relationship for 25 years since I was 20 years old , (That type of relationship probably sounds like a nightmare for you ).. for me and obviously for my partner it has worked, maybe its because we discovered windsurfing together, also we have no kids...!

We infact down shifted and moved to Tenerife a couple of years ago, so we could windsurf more...!

Maybe one day you will find your ideal partner who believes in having a few on going relationships ...

All the best

Kathie said...

If your so shallow as to just want meaningless sex with as many women as you can then you deserve to be alone....rather than have a relationship with someone who you can share your life with that actually brings meaning and purpose into it....to have someone you can count on in good times and bad...someone to grow old with, because you will grow old and then are you still going to be to find someone who will be there for you for sex or anything else in this life?? To be with someone...and only one in this way and also have a fantastic sexual relationship with...what could be better than this?

cammar said...

Kathie,
better than that would be to have a relationship like you described it and still have (both partners) total sexual freedom. It's not impossible. It would actually be pretty easy if it wasn't for the shit that everyone put into your head since you were a kid and now makes you judge natural behaviors as shallow...

migt said...

Hello Giampaolo!

You're on target with your "analysis".

I think that's actually a chicken and egg problem as I believe that humans can't get to their potential without society and society can't exist without the human.

The problem arises from where should the boundary between what society "desires" and what humans aspire.

My rule was always: don't force other to do anything you wouldn't do. Don't let others force you to do anything you wouldn't force them to do.

When it comes marriage: is nothing but a contract. Why does it have to be between a man and a woman? Why does it must have no termination date? Why not allow marriage between 3 or more people? As long as it their choice what does anyone else has to deal with it? Shouldn't society be more concern with how institutions exploit human beings?

As you say, in abbreviated form, fuck it all! :)

And hope you'll find someone to forget about being pissed off. It's gives us people closed on a office some hope seeing that one of us managed to escape. :)

Anonymous said...

:)
HI

Two main q's:
1) If you believe that one man/one woman is "put into people's head from their childhood ie brainwashed into believing that....then would it not be possible that a life of any man/men/ to any woman/women could also be placed in your head by a different sector "opposing their thoughts on you"?

My take on one man/one woman is to protect people, not to bring them down, and enslave them.

2)Where did life come from? How did it start? If you subscribe to big bang theory..then where did those two masses come from?

"Religions" are dangerous, I agree. A personal, one-on-one relationship with God is not. I put a challenge forth: read the Bible cover to cover, and see how you feel. If you believe "it's just a book", then no harm, no foul in reading it, right? I know you don't HAVE to read it, but why not try? At the very least, you could respond to anyone who asks you henceforth. YOu could say why you believe it's wrong because you'd know about it.

:) You are loved, you must know that.

Jan said...

That is said what You say Giampaolo...

Tell me why people from broken homes allways have huge problems with feelings in their grown-up lives? Because fucking around and not giving the feeling of security is right? I doubt that.

My gf is from broken home and I see many times how many trouble she has with feelings. She's a very sensitive person and many times she tries to show what she feels but she's afraid of showing it. Because she felt insecure for like 18 years of her life. She's tired with it, very tired...

Love&pain are those which give our lives any deeper sense. Commitment and dissapointment are what come in the set.

I don't know what is the reason of Your thinking but one thing is for sure- You're really missing something in life. I don't have the right to judge You but I will pray for You to find a good way in life.

People are not loved for their virtues but despite their imperfections.

You are loved as anonymus said. You are loved by God and his love is so big that he will never say "no" to You, whatever You do.

Jan said...

If You only want to follow Your instincts, no offence but it makes You more of an animal than human.

Are You convinced that Your way of thinking will take You in good place?
Maybe some day You'll wake up and think "oh, maybe I'll go fuck a goat, she will never tie me down and everyone else can fuck her, that's perfect!"?

This is also about values. Today everyone tries to tell us that we should fuck around and use life, values are going through biggest crisis ever. But many people forget that what makes us different that animals are FEELINGS. Yes, feelings, they make us more developed than any other creatures on the planet, not work, money, houses, cars, parties. No, feelings!

Last but not least probably- if we can get something that anyone else can get how much worth is it for us? How worthy is a girl whose pussy can be visited by anyone? It's worth nothing at all and what is more - it's disgusting.

I once lived like You would like to- no ties, no commitments, nothings. Just fucking. But after a while I was going into deeper and deeper shit of lonelines and feeling of uselesness. Why? I grew up. I noticed that in true feelings the life has sense. If You have no sense and don't have a person to share this sense withYou will always end up unsatisfied with Your life.

You'll probably think it's stupid but God saved me. I came to a point in my life when I stoped, looke at all that and thought "I have much but particularly I have nothing and with this nothing I am alone, what is it all for?". It probably doesn't sound like but it was one of the worst days in my life because I realised that I have nothing really worthy. Material things are never as wearthy as what we create together with other people. I cried, looked at the sky and said "God if You listen to me, please help me" and He did, he changed my whole life for better. Slowly, step by step but for better. It wasn't an easy road but I still step it and I'm happy. I stopped constantly looking for what I was missing and I started apreciating what I have and be truly happy with it. Life is a gift- don't waste it. Look how many people can't do what we can. I also windsurf and when I look at my friend who had a serious accident and he will never be able to get on board again because he will be disabled untill the end of his days I thnk "God, how much I have that I still can go out and catch a wave or two while he fights to the coffee out of the higher drawer". Did You ever think about things like this?

Don't be affraid of sorrow, sorrow is what makes life noble.

Time to grow up Giampaolo, it's about time ;)

Jan said...

one last thing:

Happines is the only thing in the world that truly multiplies when it's shared.

antonio said...

ciao giampaolo
per arrivare a quello stato di illuminazione buddista in cui aneli ci vuole una vita o un attimo,dipende dalle circostanze.
io so solo che il passo che hai fatto tempo fa di lasciare la vecchia vita sia un gran passo avanti verso quella meta e denota comunque voglia di arrivarci. essere sereni con se stessi senza condizionamenti, mediando i possibili effetti collaterali procurati agli altri però credo sia possibile prima o poi o almeno lo spero.
ti saluto e chi meglio di te puo capire
take it easy
io di sicuro easy non la prendo
ciao

TrunkMonky said...

Cammar I hear you brother. Fuck any girl that comes your way! We are dogs not meant to be tied down! Do it doggy do it any way you can...

TrunkMonky said...

Fuck any girl you want brother! Nothing wrong with your thoughts...Just stick around if you happen to make a child. Kids need their dad! I love mine and I still love knocking off the old lady!No kids- fuck anything and everything!!

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